I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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