he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
