rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
