I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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