Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
