I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
