I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
