I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
