Umm I'm too high to move.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i used baking grease as lip gloss
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
