then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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