In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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