Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You took a bar mat shot.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
