He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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