just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
