I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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