I must be too annoying 4 u.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
