Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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