I only kidnapped one of them. chill
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
