After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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