she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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