the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The uberlube is also flammable
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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