i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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