I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
