My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
