I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he fucked my hip out of place.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
