Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
