We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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