did you get engaged???
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
