Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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