The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
