Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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