i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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