in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
