What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
