i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
