You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
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