3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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