I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
