My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
