I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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