Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
