dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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