I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
