So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
