4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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