he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
