May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
