You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
