I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He did a backflip because drugs
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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