i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
