I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
