He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
